Going to Sleep When You're Old
Going to Sleep When You’re Old
The key is not to panic, when you get way along this trail, partner, because anything goes, including consideration of all possible scenarios of breathing a last breath upon sweet mother earth. So, pulling up the covers, turning off the light and thinking of something pleasant enough to calm any fears boiling up at the edges of consciousness, fears yelling and demanding attention till your body slowly but steadily gets electrified by those vicious catcalls working you over. What if you don't wake up, they holler? What if this is it? and they keep at it until you can't shut them out. Damn it! you growl, throwing back the covers. You sit up, turn the bedside light back on and slap an episode of old Morse on the DVD player. Then you notice your cat opening her eyes and she meows and you swear you hear her mutter in a thin, squeaky voice, Hell, another sleepless night with the old man obsessed with death. He better wakeup in the morning because breakfast is my favorite meal. He knows that!
Job App. Lingo
If you’ve ever been in the desolate, burning country of unemployment and spent hours and days scrubbing Internet job posts for any hopeful positions you might have a chance at getting, you undoubtedly will have stumbled across reams of the same highlighted lines blasting out the specific traits the employer is seeking and oddly enough after weeks of searching it’s quite obvious that these calls to arms are basically, boringly all the same. And all in black type. For instance: Are you a driven and results orientated individual… Only when I’m sleeping or lying on the floor in a prescribed coma. With a passion for building relationships… I don’t like people very much and spend most of my time in dark rooms. And exceeding expectations? Isn’t it good enough just to meet expectations? And I can’t even commit to those until I know what the hell the expectations are. So, what are they? Do you thrive in a fast-paced environment? What does that mean? The Earth is travelling 60 thousand miles an hour around the sun. Isn’t that a fast enough paced environment? Enjoy the challenge of exceeding sales goals? You’re beginning to irritate he hell out of me. What’s wrong with just meeting the damn goals in the first place? Chill out, for god’s sake. Do you see the glass as half full or half empty? What glass? What are you talking about? There’s no glass here. Are you ready to embark on an exciting journey? You bet! But does that come with the job? I’m thinking about Barbados! We’re on the lookout for a high-octane, passionate individual. Well, good luck with that. Eager to learn new things. I’m still trying to learn the old things. I can’t take it. Stop inventing new things. Must be resilient, adaptable and thrive in a dynamic environment. Is that all? You left out, able to leap over tall buildings with a single jump. What is a dynamic environment? Isn’t the environment already dynamic? I’m against thriving. It leads to surgery. I dated a woman once named Resilient, so count me out on that one. Where am I? Isn’t Adaptable the name of that race horse who never won a race? Enough. I don’t want the gig.
Long Live Couch Potatoes
I fumble around for plausible excuses for not enduring the so- called social graces, stammering out cockeyed fictional renditions for why I can’t attend that event (the bullet wound hasn’t completely healed yet) or why I’ve lost the ability to blather on about nothing in crowded rooms, basically because I’ve nothing of interest to say about anything, which is even of concern to me, when it comes right down to it. These days I’m staring out various windows at trees sunning themselves in a bright, blue sky. Or closing my eyes to remember running full speed down a beautiful beach, when but youth, incarnate. There’s so much more that requires silence and a focused attention. “I’d really like to visit,” I mumble into the phone, “but it’s my back, again.” As a gang of clouds slide into view.